What is failure?

So, I lied . My last post said I was competing in The Charlotte Cup and that did not happen. I just couldn't do it. Competing is expensive and food-wise, I wasn't ready. I don't have a good explanation for the food...just wasn't eating the proper way.

On that food subject for a moment...when I walked into my trainer's office I was 29%. 29%!!! After my three competitions last year, I never got out of the 16%'s. That is it! That's NOT bad. Or is it? Depends on who you ask and honestly, that is a totally different post.

So, back to the subject at hand. I did compete this year! Yes, you heard me correctly. I competed October 5, 2013 at the Jen Hendershott AWW in Charleston. Let's just say that competition was a whopper. I struggled and I struggled bad. I wanted it SO BAD! I got up at 3:30am for a whole MONTH to get to the gym. My son joined boy scouts and played football. ALL his meetings, games and practices were in the evening. Never finished until between 7-8pm and daycare at the gym closes at 7:30pm. If I wanted to compete I had to be creative. Then, my daughter has dance and girl scouts on the weekends. I could only make it to gym on Saturdays at 9am when the daycare opened and had to be done with my workouts and FitGirl meeting by 11am to get her to dance by 11:15am. Sunday's at my gym, no daycare is offered so that has always been my rest day. So on top of all that exercising and fitting it in, I've got kids, husband and a house. Oh, and I fulltime job. I am only touching on all that at the moment. I have never used all that as an excuse. I work around my family's schedule to allow myself time to get all my workouts in.

Let's talk food. My grocery bill alone makes me want to have a heartache in the Walmart isle. And Walmart is one of the cheaper places. God forbid I attempted to do a full grocery shopping trip at Whole Foods or Earth Fare. Kill me now. I love those stores! I can find some really good items and deals at those stores. Just not financially reasonable for me to do my entire two weeks of grocery shopping there. It's sad really. I really only have about 8 foods total in my diet. Problem is, America doesn't believe in selling the healthy stuff at reasonable prices. Crazy but true. Why is America obese? Simple, the healthy foods are insanely priced! On top of insurance going up and pay increases NOT happening anytime soon, who can afford to be "healthy" anymore?

So, I said all that to say this. I did not place. I got, once again, 12th out of 13 women. So I ask, what is failure? Do you think I failed? Failed at competing? Failed at my goal? Let's digest it because I have struggled with this one.

It was VERY easy for me to walk out of The Charleston Music Hall feeling like a failure. I had some of my best friends there, along with my amazing husband, telling me how great I was. Praises upon praises. I KNOW how hard I worked despite anyone reminding me. The long hours, early morning workouts, skipping the "fun" foods...and I got 12th place. The top judge, head of the NPC, never even looked at me during the morning show. People tell me, "It's so political!" "They already knew who they were picking before it started!" How fair is that? Who the heck are they to make me feel like a failure? Well, they are the top judges of the NPC in SC. That's who they are. On top of that, I willing got up there and asked to be "judged."

They tell us at the night show. "Your friends and family are going to tell you how great you look! They love you. They want you to win. They don't see what we see. That's a pretty big pill to swallow.

So what is failure? Did I succeed because I worked my rear off and GOT up there? Or did I fail because I didn't bring home a nice, shiny trophy. Depends on who you ask.

My personal opinion. I am a failure if I continue to let it eat away at me. I am a failure if I let it stop my love of fitness. I am a failure if I let it affect my family life. I am sure there are some pretty mean critics out there who would tell me I failed and I need to give it up. I've thought about that. Do I really want to continue doing this and coming in last place. Or do I want to keep working on my "problem areas" and get back up there. It's a hard decision to make.

So my goal is to post if not on a daily basis, every-other-day. I will break down my competing life along with personal life issues. I think I have a lot to offer some people who may be struggling like me. Feel free to follow me and contact me if you'd like to talk.

I will post picturess and my whooole experience at my last competition shortly.

5 weeks until Charlotte Cup

Training for my next show, April 27, 2013. Honestly, I have struggled with this show. I had a very rocky start. My daughter started failing her math class. My son started baseball practice two nights a week. My husband switched to nightshift, which puts the majority of the household on my shoulders for 2 months. I started to feel this tremendous amount of guilt. I'm so focused on myself. Getting to the gym, saving money for the show, hardly home to spend time with my family. I felt like things were falling apart. Then, my transmission failed on me one evening. How in the world was I going to afford THIS on top of everything else? So, I quit. I told my trainer I couldn't do it. This is all too much this year. Then I tried and tried and tried to quit. Things started to look up. Beth's math grade started to rise, Luke's practices started at a later time allowing me to fit gym time in and my transmission was only a sensor that cost $100 bucks! I never changed my diet or went on an eating frenzy and I stayed in the gym. So? I was going to push through! Then my trainer did my body fat and it was at 13%!!! It was like all the signs were there! Do NOT give up! So I didn't and I haven't! I make sure that I put the kids first and that they have what they need and I've still gotten into the gym and my diet has been on track! Sometimes things have to get bad before they get better. I am not perfect and life shouldn't be all about training. However, if you truly have a desire for something you should not give up. No matter how hard things get.