What is failure?

So, I lied . My last post said I was competing in The Charlotte Cup and that did not happen. I just couldn't do it. Competing is expensive and food-wise, I wasn't ready. I don't have a good explanation for the food...just wasn't eating the proper way.

On that food subject for a moment...when I walked into my trainer's office I was 29%. 29%!!! After my three competitions last year, I never got out of the 16%'s. That is it! That's NOT bad. Or is it? Depends on who you ask and honestly, that is a totally different post.

So, back to the subject at hand. I did compete this year! Yes, you heard me correctly. I competed October 5, 2013 at the Jen Hendershott AWW in Charleston. Let's just say that competition was a whopper. I struggled and I struggled bad. I wanted it SO BAD! I got up at 3:30am for a whole MONTH to get to the gym. My son joined boy scouts and played football. ALL his meetings, games and practices were in the evening. Never finished until between 7-8pm and daycare at the gym closes at 7:30pm. If I wanted to compete I had to be creative. Then, my daughter has dance and girl scouts on the weekends. I could only make it to gym on Saturdays at 9am when the daycare opened and had to be done with my workouts and FitGirl meeting by 11am to get her to dance by 11:15am. Sunday's at my gym, no daycare is offered so that has always been my rest day. So on top of all that exercising and fitting it in, I've got kids, husband and a house. Oh, and I fulltime job. I am only touching on all that at the moment. I have never used all that as an excuse. I work around my family's schedule to allow myself time to get all my workouts in.

Let's talk food. My grocery bill alone makes me want to have a heartache in the Walmart isle. And Walmart is one of the cheaper places. God forbid I attempted to do a full grocery shopping trip at Whole Foods or Earth Fare. Kill me now. I love those stores! I can find some really good items and deals at those stores. Just not financially reasonable for me to do my entire two weeks of grocery shopping there. It's sad really. I really only have about 8 foods total in my diet. Problem is, America doesn't believe in selling the healthy stuff at reasonable prices. Crazy but true. Why is America obese? Simple, the healthy foods are insanely priced! On top of insurance going up and pay increases NOT happening anytime soon, who can afford to be "healthy" anymore?

So, I said all that to say this. I did not place. I got, once again, 12th out of 13 women. So I ask, what is failure? Do you think I failed? Failed at competing? Failed at my goal? Let's digest it because I have struggled with this one.

It was VERY easy for me to walk out of The Charleston Music Hall feeling like a failure. I had some of my best friends there, along with my amazing husband, telling me how great I was. Praises upon praises. I KNOW how hard I worked despite anyone reminding me. The long hours, early morning workouts, skipping the "fun" foods...and I got 12th place. The top judge, head of the NPC, never even looked at me during the morning show. People tell me, "It's so political!" "They already knew who they were picking before it started!" How fair is that? Who the heck are they to make me feel like a failure? Well, they are the top judges of the NPC in SC. That's who they are. On top of that, I willing got up there and asked to be "judged."

They tell us at the night show. "Your friends and family are going to tell you how great you look! They love you. They want you to win. They don't see what we see. That's a pretty big pill to swallow.

So what is failure? Did I succeed because I worked my rear off and GOT up there? Or did I fail because I didn't bring home a nice, shiny trophy. Depends on who you ask.

My personal opinion. I am a failure if I continue to let it eat away at me. I am a failure if I let it stop my love of fitness. I am a failure if I let it affect my family life. I am sure there are some pretty mean critics out there who would tell me I failed and I need to give it up. I've thought about that. Do I really want to continue doing this and coming in last place. Or do I want to keep working on my "problem areas" and get back up there. It's a hard decision to make.

So my goal is to post if not on a daily basis, every-other-day. I will break down my competing life along with personal life issues. I think I have a lot to offer some people who may be struggling like me. Feel free to follow me and contact me if you'd like to talk.

I will post picturess and my whooole experience at my last competition shortly.

5 weeks until Charlotte Cup

Training for my next show, April 27, 2013. Honestly, I have struggled with this show. I had a very rocky start. My daughter started failing her math class. My son started baseball practice two nights a week. My husband switched to nightshift, which puts the majority of the household on my shoulders for 2 months. I started to feel this tremendous amount of guilt. I'm so focused on myself. Getting to the gym, saving money for the show, hardly home to spend time with my family. I felt like things were falling apart. Then, my transmission failed on me one evening. How in the world was I going to afford THIS on top of everything else? So, I quit. I told my trainer I couldn't do it. This is all too much this year. Then I tried and tried and tried to quit. Things started to look up. Beth's math grade started to rise, Luke's practices started at a later time allowing me to fit gym time in and my transmission was only a sensor that cost $100 bucks! I never changed my diet or went on an eating frenzy and I stayed in the gym. So? I was going to push through! Then my trainer did my body fat and it was at 13%!!! It was like all the signs were there! Do NOT give up! So I didn't and I haven't! I make sure that I put the kids first and that they have what they need and I've still gotten into the gym and my diet has been on track! Sometimes things have to get bad before they get better. I am not perfect and life shouldn't be all about training. However, if you truly have a desire for something you should not give up. No matter how hard things get.

9 weeks to the stage:)

So in 9 weeks I'll be walking out on stage. Seems so far away, yet so close.

I've recently tried crossfit! I am addicted to it! Seemed hard at first. The WODs were intimidating and the equipment. Not to mention I suck at pull ups and that is a favorite of crossfit. The trainers are extremely helpful though and I've enjoyed talking with them and training with them. It gives you this huge sense of accomplishment after completing a WOD, even though during it you're cussing yourself out! :)

I've had some disciplinary issues with my son this week. So discouraging as he has always been my sweet, very loving child. Just don't know what has gotten into him? None-the-less, the gym has been my saving grace many times this week:)

Almost two weeks down...

So, I am on my second week of my competition training. This is Thursday so I am almost two whole weeks down. Haven't done near as bad with the all natural peanut butter this time around. I figure if I don't buy my most favorite kind, I won't eat more than I am supposed to. My most favorite is the honey roasted all natural peanut butter from EarthFare. The kind you self-serve. Mmmm, it is SO good! I MUST NOT buy that kind!

My workouts are going well! I've been attempting to get up and do atleast two days in the gym at 4:00am. This morning was my fourth morning getting up. Lucas, my son, wants to play soccer and his practices and games will be in the evenings. It is very important to me during this training to allow my kids to do their normal activities and have me included in them as much as possible. My daughter has dance and girl scouts and my son has soccer. Both of them enjoy church group on Wednesday nights as well. So, I plan to put my workouts around their schedule so I can be as involved in their activities as much as possible. This does not mean that I will be the PTA mom, I don't do PTA mom. I work full-time and compete and I just frankly have no desire to do that. I want to be involved but I draw the line somewhere and that is where I draw it. I admire and respect all the moms who are able to be that involved though! I couldn't do half of what they do!!

I have a whole new issue that is about to arise next week. I am going to see an orthopeadic surgeon. Now let me be the FIRST to say, I will NOT stop training or competing. No doctor will tell me no forever! I am having swelling and pain in both knees, more so in the right than the left. I have been putting it off and putting it off. I did have some therapy on my right knee last year that was 100% useless and will NOT do it again unless I have to have surgery. If the doctor tells me I have to have surgery and won't be able to train, run, compete, etc. he may as well hang it up. I will continue on until my knee falls to pieces. I will have to keep that one updated...

So, here I am...back to the training and the intense workouts. LOVE it! Can't wait to see my body transform and get back to stage-ready. I try and not ever let anyone bring me down. I am back to the questions, "is that all you're eating?" "are you back on your diet?" however, nothing makes me feel better than to eat clean, train hard and look amazing! I'll take that over being a couch potato anyday!

Till next time...

Time to get in shape!

Ok, so even though I stayed in the gym all summer during my "off-time", I still wasn't eating the best way I could have been. So, this is the last "cheat" weekend. FitGirls meet this morning for our first meeting for the November 3rd show and honestly, I'm ready!!! I have felt so sluggish and unhealthy. I have still liked my body and was happy with my body fat, but I'm ready to see my definitions and tone coming back! Let the training begin!

FitGirls (and Guy)

I don't really know how to start this blog off because I hold such a love and respect for my FitGirl team and our trainer, Missy. I want to do them justice in describing the team and all the girls.  I say this beacuse I  respect and admire each girl (and guy) greatly and I hope I can prove that through my words.

When I first found the Fitgirl's and Missy I couldn't wait to be a part of them and train with them. Missy looked fantastic and I knew she would help put me on the path to my weightloss and fitness goals. I met with her in January 2012 and started my first program with her. In February of 2012 we all started our competition training.

Any weightloss program you do is pure dedication, will power and discipline of yourself. No body is going to hold your hand and make you do it. This is what I personally believe to be one of the problems with people when they start on their weightloss adventure. They want it to be "easy" or for the weight to come off in a week. It isn't going to be that way. That is one reason I respect all my teammates and those in the competition world so greatly. I know firsthand how much time, effort, work, sweat, dedication, etc. it takes to do this. It doesn't come overnight and it doesn't come in a week. There is a saying that I kept in the back of my head while training; 'You'll be able to notice a change in 4 weeks. Your family will be able to notice a change in 8 weeks. The rest of the world will be able to notice a change in 12 weeks." This is why I think it is SO important for you to have it stuck in YOUR head that you are going to do this for you, yourself and I. If you go solely off of what others say, you'll be more apt to give up sooner. You have to have it in your mind that you're going to change your way of eating (clean out cabinets, go grocery shopping, get your family involved),  GO TO THE GYM (make it part of your schedule, pencil it in), and change your way of thinking most of all. Don't be discouraged easily, take constructive criticism well, and NEVER GIVE UP! I tell all my family and friends who start on their journies to never, ever give up. You don't want to have to start back over.

I don't know about anyone else but I seriously admire my team. Not one time during my journey have I ever felt not included. These girls have always been nice, sweet, complimentary, fun, encouraging and quite frankly, the BEST teammates one could ask for. We've all had bad days and good days and we would pick each other up and carry on. This is not a wusses sport. Now don't get offended but I'm here to tell ya, we are hardcore. Not saying anyone is less than us because they are NOT. However, we don't take our diet and exercises lightly. Everyday we are in the gym working hard. Everyday we are eating our lean meats, vegetables and protein shakes. It is something we love. Something we are dedicated too. We do it because we CHOOSE to do it. We CHOOSE to be healthy and in shape. Some don't understand but that's okay. We do it for us and for noone else. Now one thing I want to express is this, we may be a close team and get along well but that does NOT mean we aren't warm and accepting. Anyone can be a part of our team and we would be more than happy and inviting!!! We WANT to see others achieve their goals and if competing is one of them, come join us! Some may mistake our dedication for rudeness. That is NOT what it is. We go to the gym to workout and some of us are on schedules. We are there with a certain routine and some, like me, have kids in the kidzone and only have a certain amount of hours to get everything done. I personally think that what it boils down to is a lack of understanding. Some don't understand exactly what it takes nor do they want to. Us on the team do not tolerate negativity. If you choose to be, say or think negatively this is not the place for you. We are all here to support each other and help each other grow. Not to put each other down or negatively criticize.

YOU is the key word in that quote. Don't do it for anyone else but YOU!

Here are some of the FitGirls with Missy, our trainer. (Third from the left, the shortest one lol). She is wonderful! Very educated and knowledgable in her fitness and nutrition. Missy is very encouraging and will become one of your biggest fans. I remember my first competition and hearing her yell for me from the other side of the stage. She helps give you the confidance to hold your head high and walk out on stage. I remember a week before the competition almost crying in her office about worrying about going out on stage and she just looked at me with this sort of look like, "you're crazy! You look great and you will do so well!"

The top picture is of us after one of our Saturday morning meetings for practice. The bottom picture is of us the morning before The Palmetto Cup.

This is beautiful Ashley! She and I became very close during our training. We trained together, roomed together, got nails done, make-up, everything together! Ashley had already competed so she knew her stuff and was extremely helpful during the next competitions. She was such an awesome motivator and very encouraging! She was always willing to help or lend a hand. I couldn't be more grateful for all her help and friendship. She rocked that stage!!!

This is Lindsey! She is so sweet and beautiful and we had a blast in the bikini division!



Lindsey, Ashley, me, Rachell and Joe after The Palmetto Cup.

Joe is our one FitGuy so far. He is a great competitor and such a nice guy! We all loved to give him a hard time about his 5% body fat though!!!

Ashley and I before The State Competition.

State Competition. Me, Rachell, Kaitlin and Ashley.

This is Rachell. Never before had I met someone quite like her. She always has a smile on her face, a hug to give you and kind words. I've never heard her say one mean word about or to anyone. She is such an amazing woman with a bit of sass! Very beautiful and very knowledgable about health and fitness. I am honestly very proud to call her my friend. I look forward to our next competitions together!

Now don't think that I couldn't say a nice thing about every single one of my teammates, because I can. I care for each one and consider each one a friend. Like I said before, I consider it a huge honor to be a part of this team and I AM proud of the FitGirl (and guy) team! To be able to transform our bodies in the ways we have, all the while each having our own lives, is nothing short of amazing!

Each FitGirl (and guy) has their own story and life. Some of us our single, have families, children, full-time jobs, two or three jobs, retired, etc. This is our sport. We choose to include this into our routines and make it work around our daily lives. It's a commitment that we have all made. A very rewarding and intriguing sport! I plan to continue on as long as I can!

My supporters.

So, I KNOW that we all have people in our lives that we would say are the BEST people of all time. We all have certain family, friends, or coworkers who have gone above and beyone for us or who have made huge impacts on our lives. Any athlete knows that a good support system is one key to success. Especially when an athlete has children. Now, I am NOT saying that I work harder or have bigger obstacles because I have children. I've never used my children as an excuse or to make myself seem better. God gave them to my husband and I and I've learned to work with the life I've been given. My children are nothing short of a blessing to me, especially because at 18 years old I was told I may never have children. Now I've got two of the smartest, fun, loving, sweetest, awesome, and so on and on, children in the whole wide world!

Anyway, I wanted to start off with one person who has always been a constant in my weight-loss and my competition journey. How many of us, when we truly sit and think about it, can say we have married our soulmate. Now, before you go calling me corny or in dreamland, I'm being dead serious! At 16 years old I looked across the Sumter High School football stadium and saw my future husband, Curtis. His big white smile was enough for me. I knew I loved him. A mutual friend worked his magic and here we are 14 years later, 9 of those years marriend! Now please don't think we had a perfect 14 years b/c nobody is perfect except for our good Lord, Jesus Christ. However, Curtis has always, always, always been my very best friend! He has always loved me and supported me in everything I've ever done. He's always been in the front row cheering me on and lifting me up with encouraging words! Not ONCE has that man ever told me I was "fat" or "ugly". Whenever I would say something negative about myself, he would disagree. I can honestly say, because I believe it in my heart, that Curtis has loved me no matter how I looked physically. When I told him I wanted to compete, he was by my side the whole way. He helped me with my diet and exercise and when I was having a bad day, he would say something encouraging. He is my true best friend and for that, I will forever be grateful.

Here are my sweet babies, Beth and Lucas. Now, it may seem silly to you that two little people could be encouraging, but I'm here to tell you that MINE were! They watched me like a hawk! If I cheated, they would tell daddy on me. Lucas told me constantly that I was pretty and his strongest mommy! I told him I was his only mommy! (lol) Beth would eat what I eat and say she was helping mommy compete! Those two little gems made my goals acheivable by being so supporting and happy for me! THEY are the reason I breathe each and every day and I am proud to be their mommy.

I'm sorry folks but I hate to break it to ya, I have the BEST mom in the world! If I can be even half of what she is, I'll be happy. She has ALWAYS supported me in everything I've ever done. Not a day, moment, hour goes by that I didn't think I could call my mom. Sometimes you just want your mom. Just to hear her voice and be told how much she loves you. THAT is my mom. She is the kindest, most patient and caring woman I know. She helps out with the kids and makes my life so much easier at times. Without her I wouldn't have made it through x-ray school, nights out nor competitions. She is simply amazing. I love her very much!

You just can not make it through life without a support system. Whether your's is family, friends, gym family, etc. Without people to cheer you on, encourage you and help you out, it just seems harder. I am very blessed to have the family that I have and I do hold tons of respect for each of them. I know at times they thought I was "crazy" for my diet and exercise but they smiled at me and understood. Sometimes just having them understand is all I needed.

My sister-in-law, Amber at The Palmetto Cup. Having family and friends in the audience to cheer you on is A-MAZING! To hear them yelling and shouting your name gives you this huge surge to go out and strut your stuff! Especially since you've been working so hard and know you deserve that couple of minutes in the spotlight! Amber has always been encouraging and supporting threw it all! Love her to pieces!

My brother-in-law, Jason and one of the fittest guys I know! I have learned alot from him!

Now, go ahead and try but you'll NEVER convince me that your girlfriends are better than MINE! These girls have been threw thick and thin with me! It's like a friendship-marriage! For better or worse! We've done our share of laughing, bickering, fighting, sharing, partying, etc. I would not trade any of them for the world! I seriously feel like they are more my sisters than just friends. They've knocked me on my head at times and they have swooped me back up when I've fallen. They are all a blessing to me and my very true, very dear, best friends! I love them all! Erica, Stephanie, Paige and Amber. Ya'll have been my calm threw many storms and I love you all very, very much!

My dear friend and mentor, Chris and his beautiful fiance (soon to be wife) came to see me at the State competition. Chris helped me while I was a student and then came to support me during my show! I was so excited and grateful that they came! Meant TONS to me! Chris just benched pressed his goal of 385 lbs! He's a beast! :)

And then there is Chris Hollingsworth. Owner of Alluring Artistry. He is our spray guy. I wanted to include him in my supporteres because without him, I wouldn't have looked as bronzed and glowing on stage. He is a wonderful tanner and makes you look beautiful! Great guy and everyone should use him for their competitions!

So, there are some of my best supporters! My next post will be about my FitGirl team and Missy! One of the main reasons I got to where I am today in my fitness! Stay tuned!